Tonight I jumped on the computer to download pictures off my phone because it is full and I needed to free up some space.
As I look through the past few months of photos I can’t explain what I’m feeling but feel like I need to quiet my brain.
It is almost midnight and I had no intention of writing but everyday since I don’t know, say three months ago I have been telling myself I will write a blog post… or write in my regular journal but I haven’t done much of either.
I’m really good at processing things better when I write them out. So needless to say, I haven’t been doing well at processing my day to day and have started to feel overwhelmed with emotion as of late.
Even now. Right now in this moment, when no one is needing my attention, as I listen to the white noise of the babes sound machine accompanied by the deep breathing of Micah sound asleep I can’t shake this anxious feeling. But of what exactly, I couldn’t tell you.
And of course I haven’t the time to sort through it all which basically is a perfect catch twenty-two situation I have on my hands.
Really, it isn’t about having too much on my plate. It’s more about having too much on my mind and carrying stuff in my heart.
I have been trying to be very intentional with my time and filling my days with very little since Elsie started pre-school. We haven’t really adjusted to the school schedule because Elsie hasn’t really adjusted to pre-school in general. So my time with her afterward plus my time with Vernon while she is at school has kind of become my selfish time with each of them.
I will say, Elsie hating pre-school hasn’t helped my emotional state and so it only adds to what I already have piling up and so here we are back to me feeling anxious, tired and ready to sift through all I have swirling around in my head ultimately because I need to make more room for Jesus in my heart.
I understand that even if I don’t get the chance to process all that has been going on for months I know it is necessary to just dump the things I can’t change or go back and fix. Not a sweeping it under the rug type of thing either (ain’t no body got time for dat) I mean literally just dump some of these piles I have collected in order to fill that space with His truths instead.
So much harder to actually apply that to my life. I know what I need to do, yet I still feel heavy hearted and that’s because I know it’s not an overnight fix but something I need to continually work on. Like errday.
I need to be filled with the spirit.
Praying the scriptures, reading the word, hanging with people who point me back to Jesus and encourage me, not leaving empty space in my heart or mind to be filled with anything other than His truths.
Even as I’m typing I’m nodding my head “yes” like this is new news, but really I just haven’t been disciplined to make sure I’m CONSTANTLY doing these things and was using a million excuses of why I didn’t have time when really I just wasn’t making time.
I need to say it just for the sake of saying it but I really am okay. I’m good but just in a weird place right now with all my thoughts and words tangled together in a way that I can’t quite share what God is and has been teaching me. He is working things out in me which is always a good thing and I know that.
For now I wanted to post these pictures from this past week while we were visiting Micah’s parents in Ruidoso, NM for the Aspen Festival. It was so beautiful and felt so much like Fall my heart almost bursted everyday we stepped outside! Such an amazing time soaking up all the family who came to visit and just unwinding from our normal day to day.
So I know this post was totally random and you basically just listened to me give myself a bible spanking but let’s just go with it mmmkay.