Life has been full. Full is a nice way of saying extremely busy. Though house hunting was put on hold nothing else was. Besides raising the babes and living life our days have been filled with planning our ten year renewal, our trip to Paris/London, closing out the last of my orders, responding to my never ending inbox (so sorry to all who are waiting for replies, I’ve been a total slacker lately) and well the list goes on. I would love to say these are the only reasons I’ve been distant from my little happy space online.
Or blame it on the fact that I went almost completely blind staring at the screen looking for houses to no avail for the past couple months. Which left me hating to be online for a while.
My eyes needed a serious break.
I would even blame it on the fact that any extra time I have had to myself lately has been spent stitching the very last of my hoops from outstanding orders and for friends who had been waiting for months to receive theirs.
The truth is I was kind of hiding out in the shadows of this space. Popping in every now and then to check blog related emails and maybe even post some pictures from our weekends.
I kind of was taking an unofficial break from blogging as I processed some things. I have shared a lot on this space. Hardships growing up, growth moments in our marriage, the sometimes long days as a mama but also the joyful and magical moments with my sweet babes.
Many times I have talked about things God is teaching me on the day to day or shared about different seasons of life. Whether painful or joyful, I have opened the door and welcomed you (my friends) in.
Given you glimpses into our lives. There have only been a few moments where I felt I might have shared too much or let you see more than I wanted but only felt that way because of rude comments or emails.
Again they were few and far between and so this space I love so much has been a gateway to keeping in touch with family and friends, making new friends, discovering rad shops and artists, new opportunities and even becoming part of a beautiful online community that often times met me where I was at when dealing with some heavy life moments.
God spoke to my heart through many encouraging blog posts from others and inspired me to be a better wife, mama, friend but most importantly daughter to the King.
It also stirred creativity in me that had been buried for years from which my shop sprouted and grew. More than I could have ever imagined. God crazy blessed me with that and used my embroidery + shop as an outlet during a very difficult time in my life. But…yes here comes the BUT. When I recently shared about the closing of my shop my inbox was FLOODED with emails. My phone was full of voicemails and texts from all over. My facebook messages had received more messages in twenty-four hours than it had all of 2013. (I’m not really a big FB user so that was a bit scary)
I was overwhelmed with emotion from it all. The support, the love, the encouragement. It was just so awesome. Unfortunately mixed throughout those sweet messages were some ugly words I wasn’t expecting. Some messages were more opinionated than others about the closing of my shop and some were just downright unfriendly.
Though hundreds of messages were received I could only focus on the ones that hurt and felt a little violated for the first time on this space. It made me feel paralyzed to sharing any more of my life’s journey on here, especially when this was something so small in retrospect.
Those words had me all sorts of doubting my decision when I knew darn right after months of prayer and surrendering to God that it was the right decision. It got me down during a time that I should’ve been rejoicing.
My God, my husband, my babies, my life…it’s a good one, I’m truly grateful about my blessed life and yet I was down.
And a little angry if I’m being completely honest.
So I had to take a step back, do some heart checking and needed some space to let God deal with my sensitive soul. I thought “how could these few emails get me so down over something so silly as closing my shop. I mean who really cares enough to judge me over that.”
Then my thoughts spiraled into thinking about sharing the bigger things in life, the larger issues.
The pieces I have left unpublished.
The parts of my story I have left off my little space online.
The life events that have shaped me.
The fragments of my day to day real life that are kept separate from this blog.
The things that have completely altered my way of thinking and have changed my life drastically.
The bigger things in life.
The more important.
The things that matter most.
What if I ever felt the stir to share about those things? Or what about future events that take place? Will I be able to withstand hurtful words about those things God? I even thought about writing this post.
I thought “do I explain at all why I have been distant or just post more pictures of our life lately.”
I know it’s not necessary to explain myself, but part of me felt bad for all those who inquired. For family and friends who ask “when are you going to post more pictures of those sweet faces of yours?”
Then I had a moment, while doing my bible study and was reading over His truths. It wasn’t a profound moment or even one where the heavens parted and the hallelujah choir was sung as rays of heavenly light shone upon me.
No it was more of a sweet nudge.
A simple reminder.
I was reminded that He loves me and He approves of me. No matter my failures, past or future ones to come, He loves me just the same.
He doesn’t condemn, but encourages.
He doesn’t bring me down, but builds me up.
He is constant even when everything in my life seems to be changing.
He is the only one I care about impressing and even more so pleasing. I realized I was choosing to miss out on something I actually enjoy. I enjoy looking through pictures we’ve taken and miss taking the time to go back through to edit them for posts.
I miss journaling about our life here on this space.
I miss writing out my thoughts only to see how God uses that to teach, stretch and grow me and in the process maybe bless others.
I miss sharing random thoughts or new discoveries of a handmade shop or a new fun product.
I miss receiving texts from my mom about how she loved that one post.
Because the fact of the matter is this lil’ ol blog is an extension of me and my family. Things I love, things I like at the moment, adventures we’ve been on or mischief the babes have been into.
I can look back and see where I once was, and see how I have changed and grown.
I can revisit special moments and outings I had with the babes and remember special adventures I had with Micah. Although, I will admit instagram has become one of my favorite places to sprinkle photos of our lives onto as a little memory keeper, it just isn’t the same of having somewhere to store my thoughts or explain the moments within the pictures I’m sharing.
I feel a little ashamed about being so offended by the words of others. This whole process of closing my shop and surrendering all to God has been about having my identity in Christ and not being measured by the world’s standards and what they view as success and then SWOOSH I get knocked down so easily.
But like I said, I’m a work in progress and have a long way to go, this whole incident proved that to be true. I know our lives over here in the Ensor household our only getting busier by the day but with the official close of my shop I’m hoping to be able to be available more to be in God’s word, write in my real journal, read some books, go to bed earlier and post more on this here happy space of mine.
Some days will be worth writing more about while others just need a photo to say what I’m feeling or thinking.
I just wanted to say thanks to the many emails and texts recently about where I’ve been, or whether I was going to shut the blog down along with the shop. I’m here. Still me. Still learning. Still growing. Still being taken out of my comfort zone at times. Still loving. Still eating too many donuts. Still collecting too many vintage dresses. Still striving to be a woman after God’s own heart. Still living this beautiful life and wanting to share bits and pieces of it with you…my friends and my family.
So with that, I apologize for the mass photo dumping of this post…but it has been awhile.